Memories fly away on the wings of time

Life is like a collection of memoirs, experience whether pleasant or traumatic. Death is a certainty; The only variable are memories we carry with us after. Would you believe in after life? Although a christian, I do pray for none. Life is tiring and agonising, disturbing to me in fact.

Its ironic how people look at lives. What really matters after all this while? Looking back at my life, there has been too many lost moments... Moments where I'm lost, both literally and metaphorically. Moments where I have lost what i had and times I had lost precious moments.

Sometimes when I think back... time juz flies and with that memories too. Much are forgotten and scars left behind. U can't really plan too far ahead, thats what I realise after all these years.

Taking each day as it is, as if tomorrow never comes, as if today is the last.

Was looking back at some pics taken over the past few years... Each folder records a different milestone of my life. Its kind of funny when you look back at those pics. A rememberance of the moods, the situations, the shitty and crazy things we went through...

* Above: 2005 Xiaobai when I first got her, in her Mugen design track strips. With Jiashun, Zhishen and Seng below his house waiting to go Music Underground

* Below: Japanese Tattoo Done in 1998 of a Japanese Samurai Demon on the right hand and in 1999, a Japanese Dragon on my full back. Getting high, this pic is a classic...

* Left the bank in 2006: Moved into the technology business, 1st month in Firium Solutions. Xiaobai changed her outlook too. Totally toned down with a sporty look instead of the loud rally appearance, with pearl white paint and champion white rims.

Interestingly, in Firium all the sales people use Mac, including myself, not to mention Jonathan and Charles. Guess what, these pics are taken from my Macbook! Steve Jobs (Apple CEO) rocks! Below pic was actually taken during a regional sales meeting. See the sneaky and powerful camera capabilities of MacBook??

* My one and only visit this year to shashlik , the Russian restaurant notorious for their Alaska Bomb! I was really more obsessed with the smoked salmon if u ask...

* Funny thing this 2008 was that I actually began to enjoy fishing with Junxiao who brought me to secret places, illegal ones actually to catch tomans, seabass, catfish, horseshoe crabs and crabs

*2008 Sep; Decided Xiaobai will stay with me for another 2 years. Was thinking of a more toned down image in the light of a Mark-X or maybe an accord. But she has gone through much with me. Ups and downs in my career, relationships and countless accidents when I'm drunk and not forget my chase with the local TP on SLE. Xiaobai, I know we had our differences @ times especially when u have such a low bodykit that scratches most of the humps in town

However bright the sun, the night will fall...

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations...

When we look at our own lives, we see insufficiency. When we look at others, we see flaws. When we look into mirrors, we see regrets and scars. When we die, all will be gone... However bright the sun, the night will fall...

Gloomy Sunday... My favourite suicide song

Gloomy Sunday" (from Hungarian "Szomorú vasárnap", is a song written by László Jávor and set to music in 1933 by Hungarian pianist and composer Rezso Seres, in which the singer mourns the untimely death of a lover and contemplates suicide

Though recorded and performed by many singers, "Gloomy Sunday" is closely associated with Billie Holiday, who scored a hit version of the song in 1941. Due to unsubstantiated urban legends about its inspiring hundreds of suicides, "Gloomy Sunday" was dubbed the "Hungarian suicide song" in the U.S.. Seress did commit suicide because of writing this song.

Budapest, January 13. Rezsoe Seres, whose dirge-like song hit, "Gloomy Sunday" was blamed for touching off a wave of suicides during the nineteen-thirties, has ended his own life as a suicide it was learned today.
Authorities disclosed today that Mr. Seres jumped from a window of his small apartment here last Sunday, shortly after his 69th birthday.

The decade of the nineteen-thirties was marked by severe economic depression and the political upheaval that was to lead to World War II. The melancholy song written by Seres, with words by his friend, Ladislas Javor, a poet, declares at its climax, "My heart and I have decided to end it all." It was blamed for a sharp increase in suicides, and Hungarian officials finally prohibited it. In America, where Paul Robeson introduced an English version, some radio stations and nightclubs forbade its performance

Here are the lyrics;

Sunday is gloomy

My hours are slumberless

Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless

Little white flowers

Will never awaken you

Not where the black coaches

Sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you

Wouldnt they be angry If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy sunday Gloomy is sunday,With shadows I spend it all

My heart and i

Have decided to end it all

Soon therell be candles

And prayers that are said I know

But let them not weep

Let them know that Im glad to go

Death is no dream

For in death Im caressin you

With the last breath of my soul Ill be blessin you

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Damn financial crisis caused the market to grow into such uncertainties and fear in all. JJ smsed me mid of nite ytd to say her dad may lose his job as company may unfold. She is very worried and uncomfortable about the future. Guess what ... her brother is in the same company as well! They may be moving into HDB soon from their expensive tanjong rhu condo and selling off other properties in KL...

So familiar... my family went through the same patch in 1997... Dad retired at 45 but shares crisis wiped off half his assets... Have to go back into business again. Worried about his business as well too now that I think of it. Luckily, we are still safe, our condos are all rented to expats and the govt mansionate should be fully paid off... haizzz

Shit Happens, U juz dunno when

The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Its sometimes amazing how God reveals his answers to your unsolved questions, those heavy in your heart for long and those issues you have been praying for. My previous blogs were written with much grief... Memories seep through my veins as I wrote them, remindful of the different emotional hurt and downs I had lived through for the past years.

Ytd's sunday service turned out to be on emotional healing. I was supposed to go FCBC with Adelene today but she can't make it as there is a shoot in Pulau Ubin. I ended up going to Lighthouse Tampines instead.

Pastor Henry was going through Luke 4 : 18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.

The emotional hurts we went through in our lives left scars and many are knots untied inside our heart. Can we be healed, how or in fact do we want to be healed in the first place? These two are very important questions.

John 5 1:9 One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” 7 The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” 8 Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” 9 And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.
Now that day was the Sabbath.

In this verse, the man was willing and he was, healed by God. Emotional wounds and scars... they are different. In this preach, a deeper study into the differences were done.

My thoughts are Scars are those that healed, wounds are those still open and bleeding. Many people, including myself find it convenient to say "We are products of our past", aren't we? We are no doubt. History is what shapes the presence. But today we shape tomorrow's history as well. Presently we create what we call the past that determines what we will be the day after.

In such difficult times of uncertainties, confusion and delusion, what will we do at present? What do desire at heart? I love God for he first loved me, not because I was good. For I had sinned, was as badly crushed upon as well in my life. Had never wanted to go heaven, neither did I never consider myself worthy.

Read it this way; most people go to hell. I'm not even "most people". I was one of the worst people. We are the people our parents warned us about when we were kids. I'm a classic.

Wounds, maybe they will heal, maybe they dun. God will decide. Scars are forever. Forgive, not forget...

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Anyway today is deevapali... ended up going for my gym, watched a few horror movies DVD and the movie Bangkok Dangerous. So cool! Miss 楊采妮 and Nicholas Cage... Finally get to see both in this action flick. Not really a movie with much thumbs up to mention but well, at least its a very predictable bad turned good guy kind of assassin movie... But 楊采妮 is really a babe even after all these year. Funny part was I was chatting with Jac when watching this and they really look alike in some ways.

To everything under the sun comes a season

To everything under the sun comes a season. Dun they?

The world seems like a clockwork of events, repeating themselves in various forms and different times. But life... is random, unpredictable and sometimes the only constant is change. For some, the change is only constantly more pain. I may well be the unwilling some of them.

Ups and downs may not be what everyone can manage. To achieve success is not easy, to define that is even more a mystery. How would one perceive success? If defined and achieved, how would one manage and maintain? If taken a set back, how would one be able to regain all over again? Or would one be contemplated with the nature of things laid in front of him, to conform to external factors and thus give in to life as it is, harsh and agonising.

The fittest survive. But often those who succeed are also those who are most fearful. Bound by fear, insecurity and anxiety, they strive harder and cautiously in all means reduce the risks of failure. How many will know the bloodshed behind each passing day?

I have been through all these and seen it all. To extent of where life holds no meaning at all. Behind each smile lies the most broken soul, behind each laughter hides the deepest wounds.

U try to kill the thing u hate... But ur what u hate. Ur life is what u hate. With time, it dies down. The internal struggle goes down, not away. The disturbing trauma from the past haunts u. Fear bound and mindful of the scars, I find it almost impossible to really go into a real relationship now.

I do miss certain times from the past though. Sinful ones I'm truly sorry to admit. Pls kindly refrain from ever linking that to sex. I could recall in my worst patch, I could not do much. 3 months... staying with an ex colleague from the bank; She was pretty much wasted as well. We found each other at a mutual understanding that both of us are at detrimental mentally damaged stage.

Again, make no mistake nor assumptions, we were neither dumped by our ex-gf or ex-bf. We were fucking in depression. Then again yes, u can read that literally (If that question pops up wondering what we do for that 3 mths). What I really miss was the non-obligated companionship. A common understanding deeper than friendship and of course the various concoction of XTC, K and erimin. We slept around 430-5am daily, woke up around the same figures in the early evening. Routine was to race down in our Integra and Forester Turbo, looking for the various supplies and lasting them through the night.

It was short-lived but perhaps I should say thanks to her. Everyone knows this can't last forever, at least for me. The depression probably will but this wasted lifestyle is pretty much too luxurious to last for the next 10 years. At a point it has to stop. Either I die then which I really hoped I did at times thinking back now... Or I have to move on, at least start working or something. I was the top, I screwed my life, period. It was almost the 4th mth I left the bank. And guess what, I was at my peak right before that. Shit happens, u just dunno when.


If there is someone whom I have to apologise to and which I did and I may again in memories of this was my ex-gf. She was a good natured but bad tempered girl. Her greatly aggravated and depressive bf (me) dumps her, left immediately, MIA for a mth and then caught staying with her colleague.

Read me as a bastard if it makes u feel better or even self-righteous. There were things my ex said that cut me through like blades during my worst days of depression. I was not really fancy of being on earth for another day then during my worst days, and it certainly doesn't help that her unreasonable and lack of understanding comes out in a statement which was taboo. She had never meant it. I should had known better. Or maybe I did. But I cant even save myself, let alone forgive the unthinkable words she said.

We became friends eventually. She got into some shit recently. I bailed her out of it, got her into a new MNC but all this purely as a friend, nothing more. Perhaps this is my way of saying "I'm sorry, though u started it all. But we are good now as friends" Recently, she got attached and I actually felt so happy for her. A relief in fact, dunno how I felt that way although I should not. Guilt acts on you in unknowingly ways.

Anyway I'm glad she moved on. But my few ex-gfs after her had really caused some traumatic experiences I'm still trying to overcome till now. I guess I lose faith in serious relationships and I dun have the indulgence in flings anymore, probably because of my Sunday service every week these days.

Being single is probably the best for me now... all the time to do my jogging, swimming, drinks and finish up my work. Going out with friends is never any issue again, let alone who sms me at night or who I'm hanging out with. The ironic thing is... I'm usually hanging out with God now, ha ha. Dear Lord, forgive me for the sins I have committed upon those I had loved, in ways wrong in your holy eyes. I have learned, and repented. Have mercy and bring blessings upon all who were hurt in these, for father you know its without our intentions for things to end up this way. Amen!

Life... Ever has it been that we knows not our own depth until the hour of separation.

21st Oct... Yvonne informed me MOH has just banned dormicums! As if life is not agonising enough to go without some pain killers. Frankly speaking, stopping my MDMA use was probably good. Else I would still be looking at empty spaces, lost in multiple dimensions and tripping.


Anyway XTC these days are mostly mixed with toxins and most probably psychedelics or ketamine. The unique euphoria appears to be distinct from most stimulants with a tendency to produce a sense of intimacy. Not sexual but sensual, emotional and telepathy with others. The diminished feelings of fear and anxiety led to suggest it might have therapeutic benefits to some individuals.

To me, it does infact release much of the worries in life. For a moment, it does not matter anymore. Nothing really matters anymore. Whatever happened or whatever will... If only this lasts, but itself would never will. The worst I did was 3-4 XTC daily till I started losing sleep and living in subconsciousness for about 4 days. By the 5th, I fainted twice in a day while walking. Finally when I got to a deep sleep, I woke up a full day later to lose memories of what I had done for the last 2 weeks. Mind was a blank. Can't think, can't remember, logical engine is dead and while awake but bewildered.

But that was the worst patch 2years ago. Took me a totally drunk nite at MOS to clear off the mental blocks. Somehow alcohol helps to clear the state of loss caused by XTC after my liquor hangover. Its an unforgettable experience to me. Wonder how the biochemicals work but well thats what happened.

The incident stopped my XTC dosages for almost a year. Was then into drinking. Found out that sometimes it could take you triple the dollars, 100 times the efforts only to get half the amount of high and not even a quarter of the climax.





Nevertheless, Shin Bar and St James, Zouk and CQ were the places to kill time especially when you can knock off at 430 noon and go to work at 10 next day. Miss those days in Shenton way when I was with Firium... But gone were those days. Now I'm half the time at Changi Business Park with the Big Blue

Did ever wonder if I were to donate blood like I used to during my NUS and JC days, would the beneficiary get high? I would call him a victim though...


Anyway nowadays I'm innocently on only valiums for a better sleep and calm morning. God... May your sinful but constantly regretful one be forgiven of his doings and released of his fears. Amen!