To everything under the sun comes a season

To everything under the sun comes a season. Dun they?

The world seems like a clockwork of events, repeating themselves in various forms and different times. But life... is random, unpredictable and sometimes the only constant is change. For some, the change is only constantly more pain. I may well be the unwilling some of them.

Ups and downs may not be what everyone can manage. To achieve success is not easy, to define that is even more a mystery. How would one perceive success? If defined and achieved, how would one manage and maintain? If taken a set back, how would one be able to regain all over again? Or would one be contemplated with the nature of things laid in front of him, to conform to external factors and thus give in to life as it is, harsh and agonising.

The fittest survive. But often those who succeed are also those who are most fearful. Bound by fear, insecurity and anxiety, they strive harder and cautiously in all means reduce the risks of failure. How many will know the bloodshed behind each passing day?

I have been through all these and seen it all. To extent of where life holds no meaning at all. Behind each smile lies the most broken soul, behind each laughter hides the deepest wounds.

U try to kill the thing u hate... But ur what u hate. Ur life is what u hate. With time, it dies down. The internal struggle goes down, not away. The disturbing trauma from the past haunts u. Fear bound and mindful of the scars, I find it almost impossible to really go into a real relationship now.

I do miss certain times from the past though. Sinful ones I'm truly sorry to admit. Pls kindly refrain from ever linking that to sex. I could recall in my worst patch, I could not do much. 3 months... staying with an ex colleague from the bank; She was pretty much wasted as well. We found each other at a mutual understanding that both of us are at detrimental mentally damaged stage.

Again, make no mistake nor assumptions, we were neither dumped by our ex-gf or ex-bf. We were fucking in depression. Then again yes, u can read that literally (If that question pops up wondering what we do for that 3 mths). What I really miss was the non-obligated companionship. A common understanding deeper than friendship and of course the various concoction of XTC, K and erimin. We slept around 430-5am daily, woke up around the same figures in the early evening. Routine was to race down in our Integra and Forester Turbo, looking for the various supplies and lasting them through the night.

It was short-lived but perhaps I should say thanks to her. Everyone knows this can't last forever, at least for me. The depression probably will but this wasted lifestyle is pretty much too luxurious to last for the next 10 years. At a point it has to stop. Either I die then which I really hoped I did at times thinking back now... Or I have to move on, at least start working or something. I was the top, I screwed my life, period. It was almost the 4th mth I left the bank. And guess what, I was at my peak right before that. Shit happens, u just dunno when.


If there is someone whom I have to apologise to and which I did and I may again in memories of this was my ex-gf. She was a good natured but bad tempered girl. Her greatly aggravated and depressive bf (me) dumps her, left immediately, MIA for a mth and then caught staying with her colleague.

Read me as a bastard if it makes u feel better or even self-righteous. There were things my ex said that cut me through like blades during my worst days of depression. I was not really fancy of being on earth for another day then during my worst days, and it certainly doesn't help that her unreasonable and lack of understanding comes out in a statement which was taboo. She had never meant it. I should had known better. Or maybe I did. But I cant even save myself, let alone forgive the unthinkable words she said.

We became friends eventually. She got into some shit recently. I bailed her out of it, got her into a new MNC but all this purely as a friend, nothing more. Perhaps this is my way of saying "I'm sorry, though u started it all. But we are good now as friends" Recently, she got attached and I actually felt so happy for her. A relief in fact, dunno how I felt that way although I should not. Guilt acts on you in unknowingly ways.

Anyway I'm glad she moved on. But my few ex-gfs after her had really caused some traumatic experiences I'm still trying to overcome till now. I guess I lose faith in serious relationships and I dun have the indulgence in flings anymore, probably because of my Sunday service every week these days.

Being single is probably the best for me now... all the time to do my jogging, swimming, drinks and finish up my work. Going out with friends is never any issue again, let alone who sms me at night or who I'm hanging out with. The ironic thing is... I'm usually hanging out with God now, ha ha. Dear Lord, forgive me for the sins I have committed upon those I had loved, in ways wrong in your holy eyes. I have learned, and repented. Have mercy and bring blessings upon all who were hurt in these, for father you know its without our intentions for things to end up this way. Amen!