童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨 跌倒了就不敢继续往前走

为什么人要这么的脆弱 堕落

请你打开电视看看 多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去

我们是不是该知足 珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑

微微笑 小时候的梦我知道 不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑

乡间的歌谣永远的依靠 回家吧 回到最初的美好

不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的

追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了

为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色

笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的 让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义

童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里

所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了

偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢

我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了 哦 哦

午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆 哦 哦

阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎 珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑

微微笑 小时候的梦我知道

不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠

回家吧 回到最初的美好

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑

微微笑 小时候的梦我知道

不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠

回家吧 回到最初的美好

Wooo hoooo! Finally got my SE C905 all malt black and ready for 8MP of snaps! Guess what its only for $18 dollars! A recontract discount of $200, voucher $300 and an additional reward points of $150 gets me there. Moved my plan to Starhub Ultimate @ $200 per mth subscription and with IBM Corporate discount, I'm paying only $140. Coool! My last 12 mths of Hp bills are average $250 a mth... guess this will do some cost savings together with an assured $500 voucher annually on top of the points redemption.

Lighthouse had a play today in church called "The Journal". Was pretty impressive. A group of youth actors in this drama displaying different pragmatic family values, issues and challenges faced by people today. Seeing the way family members treat each other in the drama make all of reflect upon ourselves, have we been a good brother/sister? A caring father or a filial son? A good spouse? Pastor Ronny's daughter was the Director for the play and I'm deeply impressed with the work and agenda behind. Well done! His Son has came to preach in a very impressive and presentable ending towards the closure and all came into prayers for their family. Overall it was good... although the young chap seems abit too over-selling and not too natural about it. Too much rehearsals sometimes. These things come better when its touch comes from that moment itself. But its all good things and he should be a promising youth.

Recently Jay released his new album 魔杰座 and the song 稻香's MV really caught my attention. With such compatibility of the current economic climate, the lyrics describe the mundane struggles and pains we have in real life while endearing and in hope to go back to our childhood days where home was the castle of peace, love and shelter. Watching the MV makes me even more touched. A middle aged guy lost his job, went into depression and his wife left him together with the daughter. Being sacked and dumped, lost and lonely... he left for his hometown, a village where there are wheat fields where he used to familiarise himself with fun and sweet innocent laughter. These were precious moments that touched his heart once more, and his mother was there in arms wide open, hugging him and cooking his fave foods in welcome. He then felt warmth, love and sense of belonging... away from the urbanised and cruel truth in the cities.

The ending was of course, like most of Jay's songs meant to be... encouraging... Amidst the fun he had with the kids in the village, the wife and daughter came to him and reunited. This song has a sense of sadness and empathy for those caught in the financial crisis and downturn. And it was pretty much written either in coincidence or intended, to keep this people going.

Well... I have a few friends from DBS who were out of the 900 staff cut. It could have been me if I was still there. Even so, no one can predict the future with such corporate uncertainties these days that it wun happen to me or anyone of us, anytime. God bless and help all those who were affected. Amen!

Wall-E... I love EVE !!!

Damn busy and disappointing day. Life is so meaningless, once more. Nothing new except more mess. Got home, ans emails and went through my online training which is due in 3 days. Fucking crazy shit.

Had a very full dinner and started watching Wall-E. Looks like a stupid animated crap to me. Oh well, what the fuck, I bought it in JB for 5rm... In the player it goes and wala wala ... Cool animation. I like the ambience designed in the first setting.

The first 40 minutes or so of Wall-E are almost completely without dialogue. Instead, the story is told visually, as we see Wall-E, the abandoned garbage robot, puttering around a staggeringly rendered post-destruction Earth. He goes around doing his job, as he has for the past infinite years, compacting trash into cubes and stacking them into immense towers.

On the side, he collects remnants of humanity to keep for his own amusement. Zippo lighters, diamond ring boxes, Rubik's Cubes, Christmas lights: these are what Wall-E surrounds himself with. Because he's so alone except for a little cockroach as companion, these human disposed objects are his companions, his contact with humanity. He watches a movie on an iPod that he somehow hooked up to a VCR, emulating the dancing and learning about love. That's not the only Apple reference in the movie: he makes the classic Mac bootup sound when he turns on.

Wall-E might be the most sympathetic, lovable robot ever created on film, not to forget his love interest EVE. It was cute when he was trying to get near to EVE, trying my shy means to hold her hand while she nearly zapped him to dust thinking he is threat. While R2-D2 was hilarious and endearing, he had the benefit of C3PO to translate for him and a cast of human characters to carry the weight of the story. At the end of the day, R2-D2 was simply comic relief, but Wall-E is so full of humanity that you feel like your heart might just burst. Simply put, Wall-E is a masterpiece.

In fact my heart felt for Wall-E whenever he was in fear of losing EVE. And their love was so naive, so innocent and so endearing in times of danger when they are willing to die for each other's beliefs and safety.

When you see Wall-E try to imitate the dancing using a hub cap he collected just for that purpose, you know that this is more than a piece of machinery. Proving Pixar's symbolic metaphoric analogy, this little silent robot has more humanity in him than most movie characters played by actual humans.

Immediately, we realize this isn't your typical kiddie cartoon. Comparable to Toy Story but no pop culture jokes? No instantly-recognizable celebrity voices? A decimated, humanless landscape full of towers of garbage and decrepit buildings? A lonely robot trying to learn about love and humanity through centuries of its trash? This looks more like a beautiful, haunting sci-fi movie than a children's movie, because that's exactly what it is.

Wall-E features loving nods to everything from Brave New World to 2001 to Star Wars without ever feeling derivative. Instead, it builds on them, making what has the potential to be an almost relentlessly bleak world into one full of complete joy and levity. It always has that undercurrent of melancholy just under the surface, as we never really forget that humanity has utterly destroyed the planet and turned itself into a race of pudgy, helpless babies, but heart of the story is Wall-E and his longing for love.

And isn't that the sign of great science fiction? While on the surface it's a movie about robots and spaceships set centuries in the future, deep down it's about humanity and its place on Earth and in the universe. It uses its out-of-this-world settings and characters as a lens to reflect our own world back at us, showing us both the beauty and the ugliness of our existence through the eyes of a guileless, trash-compacting robot.

In a movie season that's overpopulated with tired superhero movies, remakes and sequels, it's incredibly refreshing to see a movie that stands on its own as a completely new and unique creation. It's safe to say you've never seen anything like Wall-E

In a movie season that's overpopulated with tired superhero movies, remakes and sequels, it's incredibly refreshing to see a movie that stands on its own as a completely new and unique creation. It's safe to say you've never seen anything like Wall-E

Tropic Thunder... Only thing that managed to put a smile on my face tdy

Went JB today instead of church. Damn! Feel so guilty... I missed my sermon. Was feeling really down ytd and even this morning due to work. Deeply depressed in fact. Was drinking non-stop and poping pills. Oh well... Not the worst of my substance utilization anyway. I hate the word "abuse". Its like when people say I have a drinking problem; I dun... I drink, I get drunk, knocked out and I wake up one day or another. There is no problem, right?

Anyway... JB trip was good today. Had my fave yong tau fu again with ah siao. Abalone, fresh veges, fried fishcakes and lots of chilli. The noodles were great in those unique m'sian black sauce. Yummmmmy. Xiaobai had her carwash and we headed for DVDs. Got a few old horror classics. And guess what? Tropic Thunder is Out... So fast on DVDs, code 9 digital somemore

Here is my review:

Think of all the ways you can spoof those trailers and make your grandma laugh; You get it all in Tropic Thunder, a knockout comedy that keeps you laughing constantly. It's not a cheap flick of a lame spoof. Containing lacing combustible action with explosive gags. Major props to Ben Stiller, the director, co-producer, co-writer and co-star, who shows us Hollywood at war with making of a megabudget Vietnam War movie.

And whoever the guy is who plays the short, fat, bald, f-bomb-dropping studio chief, Les Grossman, has a big future. It's Tom Cruise, and whether he's abusing his assistant or indulging in a happy dance that must be seen to be believed, he's a hoot. Stiller excels as Tugg Speedman, a muscled superstar who has sequelized his franchise as the brawny Scorcher more often than Stallone has dragged Rambo back to the box-office well. Tugg's one attempt to prove he can act, as a retarded, bucktoothed farmhand who talks to animals in Simple Jack, flopped big time. Taking the role of the Rambo-esque John "Four Leaf" Tayback in Tropic Thunder — the name of the film within the film — can be Tugg's ticket to legit. The real Four Leaf is on set to keep things factual. And Tugg's agent, the Pecker (Matthew McConaughey), is back in L.A. to make sure his client is provided with TiVo even in the jungle (Kauai, Hawaii, standing in for Southeast Asia).

Matching Tugg in diva tantrums and insecurity is famed comic and dope fiend Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), known for The Fatties, a movie series in which Jeff, aping Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, portrays an entire family of prodigious farters. We even see a trailer for a Fatties flick featuring Black demonstrating a Kama Sutra of flatulence positions. This is Black's zaniest performance since School of Rock, and he makes Jeff's turn as a gunnery sarge look convincing as well. Nice touch.

The award for best in show has to go to Robert Downey Jr. — Iron Man himself — as Kirk Lazarus, an Aussie actor who has already collected five Oscars for losing himself in his roles, most recently as a priest who lusts to get inside the monk robes of Tobey Maguire. To get inside the skin of African-American Sgt. Lincoln Osiris in Tropic Thunder, Kirk alters his voice and dyes his skin black. This Chicken George routine pisses off Alpa Chino (a terrific Brandon T. Jackson), the hip-hop hitmaker ("I Love Tha' Pussy") hired to bring street cred to the movie, despite merchandising his ass with a "Booty Sweat" energy drink and his "Alpa Chinos" menswear line. Alpa can't stop Kirk from talking black even when the camera stops rolling. "I don't break character till the DVD commentary," says Kirk. Downey has a ball with the role, and his explanation to Stiller about the dangers of going "full retard" if you want to win an Oscar belongs in a comedy time capsule. Downey is so off-the-charts hilarious that you want to stand up and cheer.

The low-comic ensemble acting in Tropic Thunder is of the highest caliber. Jay Baruchel (Knocked Up) is perfect as Kevin Sandusky, the newbie stuck in a cast of spoiled-brat all-stars. Steve Coogan is deadpan delicious as Damien Cockburn, the British director who is in way over his addled head. And add a big fat shout-out to Pineapple Express madman Danny McBride as Cody, the special-effects techie with an itch to pull the kaboom trigger. Despite having almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, Cody still wants to blow shit up. And, oh, what fireworks.

Thanks to master cinematographer John Toll (Academy Award winner for Braveheart and Legends of the Fall), the movie looks like the 100 million bucks it reportedly cost. Class, meet crass.

The plot fires up when Cody and Four Leaf convince the director to get the actors away from their entourages and shoot guerrilla-style in the jungle with hidden cameras. That's when they encounter the real guns of a heroin cartel, the Flaming Dragons, led by Tran, a sawed-off 12-year-old terrorist played by star-in-the-making Brandon Soo Hoo. When Tran captures Tugg, death is held at bay because Tran and his cronies are big fans of Simple Jack. They dress up Tugg and force him to act out the entire movie. "More stupid," says Tran, whipping Tugg into beating the studios at their own idiot game.

Is it too much? Sometimes. Tropic Thunder can be silly, shallow and way too inside. But how do you hate on a movie that is willing to do anything for a smile? Plus, there is a shrewd method to Stiller's madness. He knows firsthand that Hollywood is a microcosm for a world that has swallowed its own marketing strategy. Every character in Tropic Thunder is delusional. Having given up on truth, they still do their damnedest to fake it. Stiller has done a howlingly comic hatchet job on the town that has made him a playa. Yet he's caught up, as we are, in the fantasies it's selling. We enter this bizarro fun house giggling at the clowns on view, but we exit — and here's the wow factor — laughing at ourselves.

雕栏玉砌应犹在，只是朱颜改

春花秋月何时了，往事知多少

小楼昨夜又东风，故国不堪回首月明中

雕栏玉砌应犹在，只是朱颜改

问君能有几多愁，恰似一江春水向东流

Found this chinese poem I used to recite during my JC days when I took up literature. It reminds me of the grief and irreversibles I had done.

Looking @ the mess I'm in and over the past... I'm can't be saying I'm ok. I feel like I screwed up my fucking life, in small ways and unimaginably big ones. God damn it! When will all these shit ever end? Arrrgghhh

Pop 2 valium 15 with couple of beers last night before sleep. Was feeling slightly better tiz morning and now terrible. Yvonne was asking me out for a drink. Damn lazy me... I didn't have the motivation to leave my room. I realise with the current stress and financial weather, I have totally no mood to go clubbing.

Sometimes I realise care too much. Nowadays I suddenly lost interest. In fact the only thing I care about is the fact that I dun care anymore. Isn't that a scary thought? I can't really give a fuck to thing no more. Life still goes on. The only disappointment is that I still get to wake up. Why m I still alive?

Its kind of ironic when some people really treasure their life. Some have cancer or terminal diseases and their fight to survive every other minute is admirable. Some who died of accidental death are with regrets that they dun even get to bid farewell to their loved ones or take care of them no more. For me... its just relief.

Oh well many will condemn me as the ungrateful kind. Yeah right. Maybe they dunno what its like in my shoes. Everyone leads a different life all together. Some are better off dead if life is too agonising. I'm that breed.

Anyway only thing I'm looking forward to is the new SE C905 out soon. Technically its out in s'pore but only available through Sony direct outlets. Neither Singtel nor Starhub have launched them yet. Interesting part the SE X1 Xperia is out tmr as well. There is a Singtel booth doing roadshow on the X1 right infront of the starhub shop @ plaza Sing, which coincidentally is also launching the same gadget.

Features
OS Microsoft Windows Mobile 6.1 Professional
Messaging SMS, MMS, Email, Push email, IM
Browser WAP 2.0/HTML (IE), RSS feeds
Colors Solid Black, Steel Silver
Camera 3.15 MP, 2048x1536 pixels, autofocus, video(VGA@30fps), flash; secondary videocall camera

Built-in GPS receiver- A-GPS function- Java MIDP 2.0- FM radio with RDS- MP3/AAC/MPEG4 player- 3.5 mm audio jack- Pocket Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, OneNote, PDF viewer)- TrackID music recognition- Picture editor/blogging - Organiser- T9- Built-in handsfree- Voice memo/dial


High megapixel count is the rage these days and Sony Ericsson C905 is adding fuel to the fire. The first 8 megapixel from Sony with WIFI and A-GPS comes with geotagging, Smart Contrast, face detection, and xenon flash, the elaborate camera-centric outfit hides the extra sweet Wi-Fi, GPS and turn-by-turn voice guided navigation.

The Cyber-shot squad has its trustworthy captain and its job is to keep spirits high in the face of cut-throat competition by Samsung and LG. Is it just us, or isn't Nokia missing quite some action here? Nokia N96 is a joke of the town with that ridiculous price for a pure 5 MP and no differentiators from her predecessor N95. Moreover, N96 which packs more memory in built up to 16G is still running on the same old processor. What does that mean to us? Handphone hanging 5 times a day, long loading time and unbelievably poor responsiveness.

With my rewards points redemption, I have got $150 vouchers on top of the renewal $300 vouchers for my contract. Had asked Sony whats the retail now... $968! Presuming with contract, its around $698, that means I will have to redeem more vouchers from my reward points. Anyway I have too many to clear anyway. They just make me some stupid platinum Starhub customer... what a joke! Except for the $500 vouchers they assure me each year with free starhub valued added services/downloads and getting a priority queue at retail stores, I totally can't see any value at all. Its not like my signature UOB which gives me my St James VIP or my Citibank Premier Miles that gives me priority VIP membership at all international airports to lounges and extra Kris flyer points. Talking about credit cards... DBS called to offer me their black card, saying its for VIP customers. What a joke! The cold caller didnt even know the benefits of the card and wanted to sell me 5 years free annual fee Black card. No gifts, No special privileges , nothing but waiver of annual fee thats all. All cards are waived off annual fees these days anyway. Only suckers pay.

Damn! Cant wait for the Sony C905 to be out in stores... My hands are itchy for the 8MP camera fone!. Currently my W880 is pretty much a clean cut, simple to use walkman phone. Lightweight, slim and practical. Only shortcoming is the camera. With the c905, most of my needs will be complete. Although it may not have a walkman function installed, the sound quality should not be far off. The only difference is the user interface for mp3 functions are slightly more straight forward... meaning no playlists... here are some previews! Can't wait for both to be ready!!! Arrggggh! My W880i having some problems lately... Hope I can tahan till then, 2-3 weeks time!







Features
Messaging SMS, MMS, Email, Instant Messaging
Browser WAP 2.0/HTML (NetFront), RSS reader
Colors Night Black, Ice Silver, Copper Gold
Camera 8 MP, 3264x2448 pixels, autofocus, face detection, smart contrast, video(QVGA 30fps), xenon flash
Built-in GPS receiver- A-GPS function- Google maps- Wayfinder Navigator 7- Camera images geo-tagging- Java MIDP 2.0- FM radio with RDS- MP3/AAC/MPEG4 player- TrackID music recognition- Picture editor/blogging - TV out- Organiser- Built-in handsfree- Voice memo/dial- T9

Death, a permanent solution to never-ending temporary problems

Fucking messed up now... All of a sudden, I felt my life has fallen apart. This damned life has broken into pieces long ago, and before I realized, everything seems to be gone...

Its like quicksand, or cancerous infection that eats me up day by day... Minutes pass, hours, then days and years and I can look into the mirror. What the fuck have you done these while? To deserve this pain, this helplessness?

What had I done to get into all these? Suicide is our way of saying to God, 'You can't fire me, I quit...' Your game or mine, lets end it here. I dislike cutting and self abuse. It defeats the purpose somehow. But then physically; pain and gain come together, rather wierdly... complimentary. The physical pain and pleasure distracts the mental torture and helplessness away from reality which sometimes cannot be changed. Facts that cannot be denied, ugly history that was falsified...

The world has never been fair. Face it. People were born evil, read the facts. We were by nature earthly animals who uniquely utilise the best of our intelligence to deny each other of the best, reap the most from one another and invent weapons to kill our neighbours else poison the very food our children eat. We are perhaps the most intelligent beings, closer to God's self in light of his creation. But we are yet indeed the most carnal, vicious beasts born with such instincts

Sometimes when we are upset, we are just... upset then. But when we are antagonised, we do something about it. But what happens when the fire dies? When the hatred ceases? When the passion no longer burns? Ever seen a tiger in a cage? After all the years and helplessness, they change and confine to fate. When u look them in the eyes, you see no soul. Empty hearts... Numb to the outside world. The love has died, so has the angst.

While we continuously seek to live, decently... we lose track of what is really important, the truth. Who is God, where is he now? What do we do when we die? Do we get to rest forever? In heaven? Where is that? A dimension? Hell? Proof? Science? Mystical powers? If Jesus was sent to save the world, If Moses was sent and enlightened to free the Israelis, who in the name of God in our era has been sent? Definitely not Osama... Obama sounds better but still a man. Then who, before the world's eyes will revive the beliefs? The bible, like it or not, was written and passed down over generations. Teachings and verses intepreted differently and depending on perspective. If I were to even suspect, many teachings over time have been massaged into what it is today thus we see different denominions, directions, emphasis and healings.

Lets recall we all die someday. And if we do believe, we go heaven... the other way hell. Does either one ever get full? Well, at least earth does. Interesting thing is that life is permanently full of temporary problems. Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. A permanent solution to all temporary problems.

Everyday, people die in different ways, accidents and wars, infection plagues and sickness, old age and suicide. The only question is when and how. And what... what happens after... Will we be like the homeless spirits and wandering souls? Or burning in hell? Or just cease to exist? Bodies and bones decay... Do souls do? Do minds do? Minds do become senile, damaged.... but due to physical brain deterioation, only... so like a vase filled with water, when the vase is broken, where will the water go?

Insanity, disturbance, lust and within...

Insanity, disturbance, lust and within...

Had done something today which I felt was wrong. Against God's wishes and an act of the devil within me. Then again, what's new? We are sinners... I hold fear in such actions and of repentance I'm. Fear has struck me after that, with prayers pleading for forgiveness.



Proverbs 5:15-21 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.


From the above verse, I had sinned... multiple times. With another's wife, I had. With different wives, I had. 2 of my ex were waiting for divorce. Not yet. Another is married. I seem to have incurred a curse this life. Many of my relationships were complicated and involved married or seperated ladies. Nothing came out of it except trauma, regrets and hurt.

Somehow, I seem to be very compatible with married ladies. Dun asky me why and I assure you I had never had that unkind agenda of taking such ill advantage. Many times, it was only after being together did I realise the consequences or the background of things.


Luke 16:18, NIV. "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." From this verse, even if I would to marry my ex, either one of them, I'm in adultery.



Thank god, I didn't. And thank god, I learnt. But in grave regrets, I did what was considered grave in the old testament and immoral in the new testament.

John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

May God and the Holy Spirit forgive my sins and cleanse me of my impurity. Understand my sins, my addictions and my weakness. Behold thy mighty spirit of God, I cast my worries and disturbance upon you and my sins be washed away with your gracious love and forgiveness. I repent and confess before you, my lord. Amen!

Memories fly away on the wings of time

Life is like a collection of memoirs, experience whether pleasant or traumatic. Death is a certainty; The only variable are memories we carry with us after. Would you believe in after life? Although a christian, I do pray for none. Life is tiring and agonising, disturbing to me in fact.

Its ironic how people look at lives. What really matters after all this while? Looking back at my life, there has been too many lost moments... Moments where I'm lost, both literally and metaphorically. Moments where I have lost what i had and times I had lost precious moments.

Sometimes when I think back... time juz flies and with that memories too. Much are forgotten and scars left behind. U can't really plan too far ahead, thats what I realise after all these years.

Taking each day as it is, as if tomorrow never comes, as if today is the last.

Was looking back at some pics taken over the past few years... Each folder records a different milestone of my life. Its kind of funny when you look back at those pics. A rememberance of the moods, the situations, the shitty and crazy things we went through...

* Above: 2005 Xiaobai when I first got her, in her Mugen design track strips. With Jiashun, Zhishen and Seng below his house waiting to go Music Underground

* Below: Japanese Tattoo Done in 1998 of a Japanese Samurai Demon on the right hand and in 1999, a Japanese Dragon on my full back. Getting high, this pic is a classic...

* Left the bank in 2006: Moved into the technology business, 1st month in Firium Solutions. Xiaobai changed her outlook too. Totally toned down with a sporty look instead of the loud rally appearance, with pearl white paint and champion white rims.

Interestingly, in Firium all the sales people use Mac, including myself, not to mention Jonathan and Charles. Guess what, these pics are taken from my Macbook! Steve Jobs (Apple CEO) rocks! Below pic was actually taken during a regional sales meeting. See the sneaky and powerful camera capabilities of MacBook??

* My one and only visit this year to shashlik , the Russian restaurant notorious for their Alaska Bomb! I was really more obsessed with the smoked salmon if u ask...

* Funny thing this 2008 was that I actually began to enjoy fishing with Junxiao who brought me to secret places, illegal ones actually to catch tomans, seabass, catfish, horseshoe crabs and crabs

*2008 Sep; Decided Xiaobai will stay with me for another 2 years. Was thinking of a more toned down image in the light of a Mark-X or maybe an accord. But she has gone through much with me. Ups and downs in my career, relationships and countless accidents when I'm drunk and not forget my chase with the local TP on SLE. Xiaobai, I know we had our differences @ times especially when u have such a low bodykit that scratches most of the humps in town

However bright the sun, the night will fall...

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations...

When we look at our own lives, we see insufficiency. When we look at others, we see flaws. When we look into mirrors, we see regrets and scars. When we die, all will be gone... However bright the sun, the night will fall...

Gloomy Sunday... My favourite suicide song

Gloomy Sunday" (from Hungarian "Szomorú vasárnap", is a song written by László Jávor and set to music in 1933 by Hungarian pianist and composer Rezso Seres, in which the singer mourns the untimely death of a lover and contemplates suicide

Though recorded and performed by many singers, "Gloomy Sunday" is closely associated with Billie Holiday, who scored a hit version of the song in 1941. Due to unsubstantiated urban legends about its inspiring hundreds of suicides, "Gloomy Sunday" was dubbed the "Hungarian suicide song" in the U.S.. Seress did commit suicide because of writing this song.

Budapest, January 13. Rezsoe Seres, whose dirge-like song hit, "Gloomy Sunday" was blamed for touching off a wave of suicides during the nineteen-thirties, has ended his own life as a suicide it was learned today.
Authorities disclosed today that Mr. Seres jumped from a window of his small apartment here last Sunday, shortly after his 69th birthday.

The decade of the nineteen-thirties was marked by severe economic depression and the political upheaval that was to lead to World War II. The melancholy song written by Seres, with words by his friend, Ladislas Javor, a poet, declares at its climax, "My heart and I have decided to end it all." It was blamed for a sharp increase in suicides, and Hungarian officials finally prohibited it. In America, where Paul Robeson introduced an English version, some radio stations and nightclubs forbade its performance

Here are the lyrics;

Sunday is gloomy

My hours are slumberless

Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless

Little white flowers

Will never awaken you

Not where the black coaches

Sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you

Wouldnt they be angry If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy sunday Gloomy is sunday,With shadows I spend it all

My heart and i

Have decided to end it all

Soon therell be candles

And prayers that are said I know

But let them not weep

Let them know that Im glad to go

Death is no dream

For in death Im caressin you

With the last breath of my soul Ill be blessin you

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Damn financial crisis caused the market to grow into such uncertainties and fear in all. JJ smsed me mid of nite ytd to say her dad may lose his job as company may unfold. She is very worried and uncomfortable about the future. Guess what ... her brother is in the same company as well! They may be moving into HDB soon from their expensive tanjong rhu condo and selling off other properties in KL...

So familiar... my family went through the same patch in 1997... Dad retired at 45 but shares crisis wiped off half his assets... Have to go back into business again. Worried about his business as well too now that I think of it. Luckily, we are still safe, our condos are all rented to expats and the govt mansionate should be fully paid off... haizzz

Shit Happens, U juz dunno when

The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Its sometimes amazing how God reveals his answers to your unsolved questions, those heavy in your heart for long and those issues you have been praying for. My previous blogs were written with much grief... Memories seep through my veins as I wrote them, remindful of the different emotional hurt and downs I had lived through for the past years.

Ytd's sunday service turned out to be on emotional healing. I was supposed to go FCBC with Adelene today but she can't make it as there is a shoot in Pulau Ubin. I ended up going to Lighthouse Tampines instead.

Pastor Henry was going through Luke 4 : 18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.

The emotional hurts we went through in our lives left scars and many are knots untied inside our heart. Can we be healed, how or in fact do we want to be healed in the first place? These two are very important questions.

John 5 1:9 One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” 7 The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” 8 Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” 9 And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.
Now that day was the Sabbath.

In this verse, the man was willing and he was, healed by God. Emotional wounds and scars... they are different. In this preach, a deeper study into the differences were done.

My thoughts are Scars are those that healed, wounds are those still open and bleeding. Many people, including myself find it convenient to say "We are products of our past", aren't we? We are no doubt. History is what shapes the presence. But today we shape tomorrow's history as well. Presently we create what we call the past that determines what we will be the day after.

In such difficult times of uncertainties, confusion and delusion, what will we do at present? What do desire at heart? I love God for he first loved me, not because I was good. For I had sinned, was as badly crushed upon as well in my life. Had never wanted to go heaven, neither did I never consider myself worthy.

Read it this way; most people go to hell. I'm not even "most people". I was one of the worst people. We are the people our parents warned us about when we were kids. I'm a classic.

Wounds, maybe they will heal, maybe they dun. God will decide. Scars are forever. Forgive, not forget...

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Anyway today is deevapali... ended up going for my gym, watched a few horror movies DVD and the movie Bangkok Dangerous. So cool! Miss 楊采妮 and Nicholas Cage... Finally get to see both in this action flick. Not really a movie with much thumbs up to mention but well, at least its a very predictable bad turned good guy kind of assassin movie... But 楊采妮 is really a babe even after all these year. Funny part was I was chatting with Jac when watching this and they really look alike in some ways.

To everything under the sun comes a season

To everything under the sun comes a season. Dun they?

The world seems like a clockwork of events, repeating themselves in various forms and different times. But life... is random, unpredictable and sometimes the only constant is change. For some, the change is only constantly more pain. I may well be the unwilling some of them.

Ups and downs may not be what everyone can manage. To achieve success is not easy, to define that is even more a mystery. How would one perceive success? If defined and achieved, how would one manage and maintain? If taken a set back, how would one be able to regain all over again? Or would one be contemplated with the nature of things laid in front of him, to conform to external factors and thus give in to life as it is, harsh and agonising.

The fittest survive. But often those who succeed are also those who are most fearful. Bound by fear, insecurity and anxiety, they strive harder and cautiously in all means reduce the risks of failure. How many will know the bloodshed behind each passing day?

I have been through all these and seen it all. To extent of where life holds no meaning at all. Behind each smile lies the most broken soul, behind each laughter hides the deepest wounds.

U try to kill the thing u hate... But ur what u hate. Ur life is what u hate. With time, it dies down. The internal struggle goes down, not away. The disturbing trauma from the past haunts u. Fear bound and mindful of the scars, I find it almost impossible to really go into a real relationship now.

I do miss certain times from the past though. Sinful ones I'm truly sorry to admit. Pls kindly refrain from ever linking that to sex. I could recall in my worst patch, I could not do much. 3 months... staying with an ex colleague from the bank; She was pretty much wasted as well. We found each other at a mutual understanding that both of us are at detrimental mentally damaged stage.

Again, make no mistake nor assumptions, we were neither dumped by our ex-gf or ex-bf. We were fucking in depression. Then again yes, u can read that literally (If that question pops up wondering what we do for that 3 mths). What I really miss was the non-obligated companionship. A common understanding deeper than friendship and of course the various concoction of XTC, K and erimin. We slept around 430-5am daily, woke up around the same figures in the early evening. Routine was to race down in our Integra and Forester Turbo, looking for the various supplies and lasting them through the night.

It was short-lived but perhaps I should say thanks to her. Everyone knows this can't last forever, at least for me. The depression probably will but this wasted lifestyle is pretty much too luxurious to last for the next 10 years. At a point it has to stop. Either I die then which I really hoped I did at times thinking back now... Or I have to move on, at least start working or something. I was the top, I screwed my life, period. It was almost the 4th mth I left the bank. And guess what, I was at my peak right before that. Shit happens, u just dunno when.


If there is someone whom I have to apologise to and which I did and I may again in memories of this was my ex-gf. She was a good natured but bad tempered girl. Her greatly aggravated and depressive bf (me) dumps her, left immediately, MIA for a mth and then caught staying with her colleague.

Read me as a bastard if it makes u feel better or even self-righteous. There were things my ex said that cut me through like blades during my worst days of depression. I was not really fancy of being on earth for another day then during my worst days, and it certainly doesn't help that her unreasonable and lack of understanding comes out in a statement which was taboo. She had never meant it. I should had known better. Or maybe I did. But I cant even save myself, let alone forgive the unthinkable words she said.

We became friends eventually. She got into some shit recently. I bailed her out of it, got her into a new MNC but all this purely as a friend, nothing more. Perhaps this is my way of saying "I'm sorry, though u started it all. But we are good now as friends" Recently, she got attached and I actually felt so happy for her. A relief in fact, dunno how I felt that way although I should not. Guilt acts on you in unknowingly ways.

Anyway I'm glad she moved on. But my few ex-gfs after her had really caused some traumatic experiences I'm still trying to overcome till now. I guess I lose faith in serious relationships and I dun have the indulgence in flings anymore, probably because of my Sunday service every week these days.

Being single is probably the best for me now... all the time to do my jogging, swimming, drinks and finish up my work. Going out with friends is never any issue again, let alone who sms me at night or who I'm hanging out with. The ironic thing is... I'm usually hanging out with God now, ha ha. Dear Lord, forgive me for the sins I have committed upon those I had loved, in ways wrong in your holy eyes. I have learned, and repented. Have mercy and bring blessings upon all who were hurt in these, for father you know its without our intentions for things to end up this way. Amen!

Life... Ever has it been that we knows not our own depth until the hour of separation.

21st Oct... Yvonne informed me MOH has just banned dormicums! As if life is not agonising enough to go without some pain killers. Frankly speaking, stopping my MDMA use was probably good. Else I would still be looking at empty spaces, lost in multiple dimensions and tripping.


Anyway XTC these days are mostly mixed with toxins and most probably psychedelics or ketamine. The unique euphoria appears to be distinct from most stimulants with a tendency to produce a sense of intimacy. Not sexual but sensual, emotional and telepathy with others. The diminished feelings of fear and anxiety led to suggest it might have therapeutic benefits to some individuals.

To me, it does infact release much of the worries in life. For a moment, it does not matter anymore. Nothing really matters anymore. Whatever happened or whatever will... If only this lasts, but itself would never will. The worst I did was 3-4 XTC daily till I started losing sleep and living in subconsciousness for about 4 days. By the 5th, I fainted twice in a day while walking. Finally when I got to a deep sleep, I woke up a full day later to lose memories of what I had done for the last 2 weeks. Mind was a blank. Can't think, can't remember, logical engine is dead and while awake but bewildered.

But that was the worst patch 2years ago. Took me a totally drunk nite at MOS to clear off the mental blocks. Somehow alcohol helps to clear the state of loss caused by XTC after my liquor hangover. Its an unforgettable experience to me. Wonder how the biochemicals work but well thats what happened.

The incident stopped my XTC dosages for almost a year. Was then into drinking. Found out that sometimes it could take you triple the dollars, 100 times the efforts only to get half the amount of high and not even a quarter of the climax.





Nevertheless, Shin Bar and St James, Zouk and CQ were the places to kill time especially when you can knock off at 430 noon and go to work at 10 next day. Miss those days in Shenton way when I was with Firium... But gone were those days. Now I'm half the time at Changi Business Park with the Big Blue

Did ever wonder if I were to donate blood like I used to during my NUS and JC days, would the beneficiary get high? I would call him a victim though...


Anyway nowadays I'm innocently on only valiums for a better sleep and calm morning. God... May your sinful but constantly regretful one be forgiven of his doings and released of his fears. Amen!